The Darwin Awards For 2009
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the
Darwin Awards
are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a
hold-up in
Long Beach ,
California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can
only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This
time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine
and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for
himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was
approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in
Chicago
returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably,
he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean
bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare
to
Bulawayo
had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby
bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the
passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3
days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds
received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the
lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head
to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun
and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the
counter.. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone
points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking
him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event
was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give
them a detailed description of the snatcher Within minutes, the police
apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive
ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the
purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King
in
Ypsilanti ,
Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk
turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a
food order. When the man ordered
onion rings,
the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked
away.
[*A 5-STAR
STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the
scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled
sewage.. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal
gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by
mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was
the best laugh he'd ever had.
NOTE: The above are not actually “Darwin Awards,” but ones that should be nominated for such.
